Struggling on

Thanks for your support Joy,  Diane,  and Deniz  - it does help to hear that you don't think I'm just some whiny baby. Especially when I'm struggling to force myself out of bed.  
I had to go out at lunchtime today for my 2 miles walk (round trip) to Sainsburys. The weather was quite warm and sunny again and I did sort of wish I'd had the chance to go to the canal or the lake instead - less roadside walking and more greenery & nature.  My back was a bit painful on the way back even though I wasn't carrying anything heavy but considering I spent most of the day sitting in the world's most uncomfortable office chair it wasn't too bad  - I think it's improving and hopefully I'll be able to do more soon. As far as mood goes I mostly just felt incredibly apathetic all day.  It was a real struggle to focus on work and if I'd had a choice I probably wouldn't have gone out at lunch either.  I suppose there's something to be said for no choice then...  Weirdly I wasn't particularly interested in food for most of the day and pretty much just ate as planned at the normal times by rote (if it's possible to eat by rote).  At least there was no urge to binge...

Food today:
Breakfast: eggs scrambled with bacon,  leek &  mushrooms 
Lunch: turkey salad and a melon snack pack 
Dinner: chicken thighs (2 small)  with sauerkraut & a baked sweet potato 
Snacks: Greek yogurt,  cashews & dates 

curried chicken meatballs + yoghurt dipping sauce

I am not a patient person. So I'm often deterred from rolling things into little balls (unless it's bliss balls or a dessert, in which case I suck it up). So why the meatball recipe? Well, these are baked. You roll them into balls, place on a tray, then it's into the oven and that's it. No fiddling around trying to turn them in a frypan without breaking them (which usually leaves me cursing).

The meatballs are nice warm or cold, so handy as a starter dish if you're having a dinner party. I also pick at them from the fridge as a snack or post-workout protein source. Leftovers are also good thrown into a roast vegetable salad, with some of the yoghurt sauce drizzled on top. If you can't do dairy, you could use tahini in place of the yoghurt.

To make the meatballs, I use free-range chicken thigh mince (from Cannings Free Range Butchers) and Ayam Curry Powder. I'm a fan of Ayam Curry Powder because it doesn't contain any fillers, preservatives, sugar or MSG (which can often be found in off-the-shelf spice mixes). It just contains coriander seed, dried chilli, aniseed, cumin seed, turmeric, cinnamon, star anise, white pepper, fenugreek, nutmeg and cardamom. I keep a tin of it in my pantry for times when I can't be bothered concocting my own mix of spices.

ingredients

For the meatballs

• 500g free-range chicken mince
• 2 tsp curry powder or spice mix
• 1 egg
• pinch of sea salt

For the yoghurt sauce

• 1/2 cup thick Greek or natural yoghurt, organic if possible
• 1/4 - 1/2 clove of garlic
• squeeze of lemon juice
• sea salt

preparation

1. Preheat your oven to 200�C and line a baking tray with baking paper.  

2. To make the meatballs, mix the mince, curry powder, egg and sea salt in a large bowl until everything is well combined. I start off with a spoon and then get my hands in there to really massage it all together. Wet your hands first so they don't get too sticky. 

3. Roll the mixture into balls (about a tablespoon of mixture per ball) and place on the tray. I wet my hands after rolling every couple of balls to stop the mixture from sticking to my hands.

4. Bake in the preheated oven for about 20 minutes until browned.

5. To make the yogurt sauce, tip the yoghurt into a bowl and grate or crush about a 1/4 clove of garlic into the bowl. Go easy on the garlic to start with, as it can sneak up on you. Add a squeeze of lemon juice and pinch of sea salt and stir together. Taste and add more garlic, lemon juice and sea salt if needed. 

Crawling out from under?

After being tortured by my office chair yesterday all day I stayed home to work today. I actually felt better this morning than I have for days, maybe weeks (apart from the purely physical pain in my back) - less tired, less unable to see any point in carrying on when nothing's ever going to get better - just less depressed. I don't know if that's a sign that I weathered the storm, and I kind of doubt it to be honest, it's probably more likely just a temporary easing off - but I'll take it anyway. Compared to wanting to be dead it's a massive improvement any way you look at it. 
I did have to go out at lunchtime to send off a parcel - something I sold as part of the decluttering - and that didn't seem to make my back very happy at all, although the rest of me was glad to get out. Especially as the weather was amazing again - makes you wonder what's going on, isn't it October tomorrow?
Oh yeah, food went ok today. Maybe that's why I felt better - two days in a row of not being disgusted at my own lack of willpower after how ever many of being a monster pig... If I could just keep it up for long enough to lose  some weight I might actually find some self respect / self esteem.
Probably not though.

Food today:
Breakfast: eggs scrambled with bacon, mushrooms & leek
Lunch: homemade tuna-dill-jalapeno mayo salad with an avocado
Dinner: burger in gluten free bun with salad
Snacks: Greek yogurt.

Pathetic

Well, I'm busy disappearing up my own ass again... I have no real justification for feeling the way I do but I'm depressed, miserable, spent the weekend abusing sugar and wheat so bloated and piggy, and I've pulled / twisted / otherwise hurt my back while scrubbing my kitchen floor so I can't even train myself halfway human.
I haven't done anything about it yet but I'm seriously considering asking for another prescription for antidepressants. It makes me feel like a total failure when I do when I have no great life problem to 'justify' it - even though I do actually believe that that it's caused by a chemical unbalance rather than being too weak to 'just get over myself'. Anyhow, even if it is just weakness clearly I am that weak, and even if I don't have the courage / rage to actively try to self harm deliberately chosing to binge on a foodstuff that messes up my gut still qualifies as self-destructive behaviour, so I'm working up to asking for help... knowing me it will take weeks yet and in the meantime I'll probably post nothing but misery and moaning so I'll understand if everyone bails out and leaves me to stew in my own self pity...

Food today:
Breakfast: Greek yogurt
Lunch: sausage & sauerkraut soup
Dinner: chicken salad 
Snacks: cashews

How many ways to say.....

I'm knackered...?
Last night's deployment went well, I collapsed into bed at 11 PM, and then, as usual... woke up around 4 am. Ah well. I'd already arranged to work from home (from my sofa to be precise) so I worked in my pjs until about 10. My brain was Swiss cheese all day and I felt horribly unproductive in terms of work... but while I unsurprisingly didn't train I did hoover, take delivery of my weekly shop, pop to the council tip with a car load of rubbish from the Great Declutter and walk about 3 miles doing a wide circle of town incorporating a post office drop off and a little shopping.
So actually quite a good day although after starting the day feeling no worse than usual I now feel as if a truck drive over me. Twice. The earliest of early nights is called for...

Food today:
Breakfast: no proper breakfast was had as I couldn't decide what to go for. I had one gf sausage, some melon and half of one of those 2 minute coconut muffins in a mug (it was hopelessly dry again and the other half went in the bin)
Lunch: that wasn't right either. I'd bought some fresh mussels to cook but most of them failed to open in the cooking so I threw them away & ate homemade pork rinds followed by Greek yogurt
Dinner: lamb & cumin burger served on a slice of homemade gf flax bread with potato wedges and watercress salad - and very nice it was too!
Snacks: more homemade pork rinds & cashews.
I wonder why I'm fat....

55%...

Definitely rebuilding my strength through sleep now. Sad for me, under the circumstances, that I am doing a little overtime tonight at 10 PM. Leaving aside the fact that I'm 300 yrs old and my bedtime is way earlier than that I doubt if it will be restful, however well it (hopefully) goes. Still, I am working from home tomorrow as a reward for the unsocial hours overtime and that's always nice. 
I weighed myself this morning and I was right back where I was immediately after the holiday. In truth although depression & exhaustion definitely led to over indulging I'm fairly confident I didn't overeat that much so I'm hoping once the crap works it's way completely out of my system some of it will disappear again. Listen to me, classic yo yo dieter.... pondering how to get it off ASAP by changing my diet AGAIN despite not really having given the perfect health diet a fair shot... NO. Not doing it. PHD deserves more than a week (or two) sticking to it followed by a week ignoring it completely. Or however long it was. 
I did walk about 3 miles today, so could have been worse...

Food today:
Breakfast: bratwurst saut�ed with leek,  peppers & sauerkraut
Lunch: chili
Dinner: ham & brie with cucumber & tomatoes
Snacks: 2 minute cocoa protein muffin

Stir Fried Crispy Beef

 Ingredients

(Serves 2)

• 300g of beef - cut into strips (i used sirloin steak)
• 2 tsp gluten free baking powder
• 4 Tbsp coconut flour
• 1/2 tsp sea salt
• 2 handfuls spinach
• 2 egg whites
• 2 tbsp coconut oil

• For the sauce
• 4 Tbsp Franks sauce
• 3 Tbsp greek yogurt 

Method

1. Mix the coconut flour, sea salt and gluten free baking powder in a bowl.
2. 
   
   
3. Cut the beef into thin strips.
4. Coat the beef in the egg whites.
5. Next coat the beef in the coconut flour mix.
6. 
   
   
7. Heat the coconut oil in a frying pan.
8. Cook the beef on a high heat to seal and crisp up the coating. 
9. Lower heat and cover and cook until cooked through.
10. Add the franks sauce and yogurt. 
11. 
    
    
12. Cook until combined,
13. Add the spinach and cook until just wilted. 

Serve with side of greens, i used broccoli and asparagus.